Forgiveness

Over the past few years, I've been presented with several big opportunities to forgive. Some people have asked for my forgiveness; others have not. But whether anyone is invested in obtaining it doesn't really matter. Because I can't seem to figure out exactly what forgiveness is.

About a week ago, I was pulling out of a parking lot and nearly collided with a woman who was walking on the sidewalk. Totally and completely my fault, no question. She was irate. I apologized profusely and said, "Please forgive me." She clearly didn't. Now I wonder what exactly it was I wanted from her. I think it's this: I wanted her to not think that I'm an asshole. 

So is that what forgiveness is?

I've asked a couple of people their take on it, and no one can really tell me what it means or how it changes how one feels. The dictionary definition is this:

1: to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2: to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3: to grant pardon to (a person).

4: to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5: to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan

I'm kind of focused on #4, to cease to feel resentment against. And I notice that I can't make myself cease to feel resentment. Is this a character flaw? I'm not sure.

A month ago, I had dinner with a dear friend of mine who also happens to be a rabbi on the east coast. We were talking about my previous marriage. "Warren," I said, "I just can't seem to forgive him. I think I should. I think I want to, for me, but I can't." Warren looked across the table from me, put on his invisible magic Rabbi coat, and said, "You don't have to forgive him. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. You just have to forgive yourself."

Hm.

To cease to feel resentment against myself. 

Resent:

–verb (used with object)

to feel or show displeasure or indignation at (a person, act, remark, etc.) from a sense of injury or insult.

Okay, I'm deciding to go with the dictionary definitions of both of these terms. According to those, I forgive myself. I forgive the lady who smacked my ass in dance class, because I don't feel resentment toward her. But these other folks? I just don't. And that's going to have to be okay.